Surviving COVID’s Breaking Point
After a year of suffering, two working moms find their inner strength.
As any parent knows, the stress this year was staggering. As I researched a story about working moms a year after COVID, I saw headlines like these: Three American Mothers on the Brink, COVID's Brutal Toll on Working Mothers, Women are Maxed Out and Burning Out During COVID.
As a reporter and a working mom, I know these stories are true. But so is something else that gets overlooked. As awful as stress feels, it can also be a catalyst for substantial psychological growth. I’ve seen it while covering war zones and natural disasters. People go through the darkest moments of their lives and then find an inner strength they didn’t know they had. And that changes how they view themselves and what they are capable of doing. It is a process that psychologists call “post-traumatic growth.”
This is what two working moms living in separate parts of the country and in different situations are experiencing. Christy Bacon is a single mom of three who lost her job last spring. Her home and small family farm are outside of Flint, Michigan. Candace Miranda is a full-time working mom of two young kids living with her husband in the South Bronx, New York City.
Christy and her 8-year-old song Thomas.
Source: Christy Bacon
First comes stress, despair, and suffering
Christy Bacon: Flint, Michigan. As Christy would tell you, you can’t get to the growth until you go through the trauma. She and her three school-aged kids spent most of 2020 in crisis mode: “There was so much stress. It was crazy.” She had what she assumes was COVID. She “had every symptom on the checklist” but refused to go to the hospital. She stayed home “dragging my half-dead body around the house,” she said.
Things went from bad to worse. Christy got laid off from her job as an administrator for an education-related company. Her kids transitioned to remote learning. And then her phone and tablet broke. She said, “I had at least three mental breakdowns. Everything was broken, I took my dryer apart several times to fix different parts. Now it's broken again,” adding “mechanic” to her already-long list of home duties that included housekeeper, teacher, therapist, cook, and somewhere in all of that, full-time mom to her daughter, a senior in high school, and to her sons, 14 and 8. She and her kids were “on top of each other" in their 900-square-foot house.
Candace Miranda, New York, NY: Candace lives 700 miles away in the South Bronx. She “wakes up exhausted” and is always on the go. But her movement this year is confined to her two-bedroom apartment.
Candace and her daughter Gaby working and studying in the living room.
Source: Candace Miranda
Candace found a way to make the space work. She sits next to her 7-year-old daughter in the living room. Her 9-year-old son learns remotely in the kids’ bedroom and her husband, a high school math teacher, works in their bedroom. She wishes she could let her kids play alone outside but the neighborhood isn’t safe enough.
I know Candace personally. Our kids go to the same school. When it opened in September for in-person learning, I did not see Candace at drop-off. With a commute of two buses and a subway ride, she felt it was too risky during COVID. So, the kids are still learning from home.
Candace is on phone calls, Zoom meetings, and text message chains all day for work while helping her kids find the right class link or get their school materials ready. There’s no downtime, only troubleshooting when things go wrong. On top of that, she said, “I am trying to figure out what’s for lunch.”
Feeling “overwhelmed” each day, Candace said, “I have to give myself grace because it's so much to manage.”
Moms carry the heaviest load
COVID has placed enormous burdens on parents like Candace and Christy. Professor Steven Greene at North Carolina State recently co-authored a study on the topic, "A Recipe for Madness," and told me that the COVID experience “extra sucked” for parents.
It was worse for moms than dads. Studies like McKinsey’s “Women in the Workplace,” show that working mothers handle a disproportionate amount of childcare and homeschooling responsibilities, especially mothers of young kids like Candace and Christy. Jess Huang, McKinsey partner and co-author of the study said, “what we heard from women across the board was that they were feeling constantly exhausted, burned out, and that they always needed to be on.” Not surprisingly, a study by the Kaiser Family Foundation found that more than two-thirds of mothers are struggling with anxiety and stress.
There is an upside
It seems to defy logic that this kind of anxiety and stress could result in anything positive. But Dr. Don Meichenbaum, a psychologist who wrote The Roadmap to Resilience, a guide for trauma victims, explained that handling stressful events can propel us forward: “The story of humankind is the most remarkable story of courage, grit and resilience.” His research shows that up to 75 percent of people who go through a traumatic experience, like a war, a natural disaster, a tragic event, or a pandemic like COVID, develop an inner strength and an ability to bounce back that they didn’t realize they had.
And for some people, depending on situation and circumstance, says Dr. Nicole Weiss, this is transformative. A University of Rhode Island psychologist who researches trauma and PTSD, Dr. Weiss told me that many people feel “like they're stronger than they thought they were.” Simply put, they feel that if they can handle COVID's stress, they can deal with anything.
Candace flexes new muscles
Dr. Weiss explained it as “strength through suffering.”
It was through managing so many stressful moments that Candace started to see herself differently. She became “more intentional” and started to advocate for herself, telling her husband when she needed more help around the house and making time for self-care and therapy appointments, things she previously denied herself. “It changed me,” she said about COVID.
Over the past four years, she has wanted to participate in a selective job training program, but she never once applied. “I often second-guess myself, even though I know I have all of these capabilities,” she said. Colleagues with similar credentials got spots, but Candace, a program coordinator with the City University of New York, didn’t feel that she was qualified.
Recently in a work meeting, someone mentioned that applications were open for the 10-month program, specifically for “rising executives.” Technically, Candace isn’t management, which is one reason she didn't previously apply. But this time around, instead of thinking about what she isn’t, she realized everything she is.
Candace and her family, 2021
Source: Candace Miranda
For a moment, she thought, “I can't possibly put something else on my plate.” But then she remembered what she managed this past year and figured, “I'm always going to be juggling multiple things, so why not now?” She applied. And guess what? She was accepted, and she starts training later this month.
Dr. Shilagh Mirgain, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin who specializes in resilience and well-being, says she’s noticing a shift in some of her clients. “When we go through something really challenging or even mildly traumatic, many people actually find it to ignite a tremendous amount of positive psychological growth. And I think we're at a time in history where we're seeing that.”
Christy feels mentally prepared
Another transformation that psychologists are seeing is “psychological preparedness.” Dr. Weiss explains that after people successfully cope with a traumatic experience, they feel prepared to handle future challenges. “It’s like a vaccine,” she said, giving us future psychological protection.
Christy got her dose when she hit rock bottom last August. She was “afraid all of the time,” worried that unemployment would run out and she wouldn’t be able to feed her kids.
By managing the stress, Christy developed an immunity to feeling overwhelmed. She decided, “I'm going to take control of my life.” She started a small business, selling homemade products from her farm, like decorated chicken and quail eggs. She said, “I feel like I now have the confidence to do things that are hard.”
She is now back at her full-time job but didn’t give up working on her side business. She is renting beehives to people who want the honey but not the worry. She said, “People are afraid. Bees have stingers. But it’s really fine.” Christy isn't concerned about getting stung, thanks to knowing what it feels like.
Sum it up
Mental health experts report that when we experience extreme stress, just by surviving the moments, we build strength and resilience. While everyone has a different timeline for dealing with stress and trauma, Dr. Mirgain says, “I’m seeing people accessing a sense of power and shaking things up, being more assertive or standing up for themselves. And I think that's been really remarkable to see.”
3 ways to turn stress into strength
1. Ignite your potential: Lean into your passion and go for it! We have developed new skills to tolerate discomfort. Dr. Mirgain tells me, “I really think that our best life begins on the edge of our comfort zone. By stretching, there's an opportunity to ignite our potential.” Before COVID, many people felt like they were living on auto-pilot. Now, a year later, Dr. Mirgain says the losses and stresses of this year have “allowed us to reflect on what’s important and to reset our course.
2. Don’t deny your feelings: Give yourself permission to feel anxiety, sadness, and loss. Dr. Meichenbaum says these feelings are natural. “The question,” he says, “is what you do with those feelings.” He recommends sharing how you feel with friends or a professional, reminding yourself to be optimistic, and practicing mindfulness and meditation. “Emotional distress and resilience co-exist,” he says. “It’s not one or the other. It’s both.”
3. Celebrate the small moments: Be present and find moments of gratitude. Both Candace and Christy say they have a newfound appreciation for the little things in life, like family dinners. Dr. Weiss explains that many people change their philosophy on life after a trauma or a life-changing event like COVID. “It forces us to have a shift in perspective and it makes us more aware of how precious life is.”
